day 4:

How naive I was yesterday when I thought, "tomorrow isn't really a challenge!"

I haven't owned a scale at college.

In high school I never weighed myself.

I thought this day would just be like any normal day, I wouldn't weigh myself and I would be fine.

But as it was on my mind, naturally all my bad experiences with weight started coming back to me.

-The time I went to the gym and the personal trainer told me I should lose ten pounds. 

-The time my tiny roommate freshman year was upset that she weighed over 100 pounds and I felt terribly guilty.

-Whenever I have to weigh suitcases and I dread getting on that scale, even if it is twice a year. And I try and guess what the weight will be before I step on, hoping it's less than I think.

-Anytime a girl around me states her weight and I instantly go into calculation mode: "Okay, she's probably two inches taller than me, so that should be about 10 pounds more than me?" And if the difference is less than my calculations, the calorie counting starts the next day.

Then I started going even further back in my memory.

-In 6th grade when every time my four female friends and I hung out and we made the habitual group weigh in, telling each other, "But you're taller!" or, "You have more muscle! Muscle weighs more than fat!"

-That summer when I barely ate anything so I could stay at 93 pounds. The fact that I have never told anyone that before.

And on the other side of things, when I first decided to start dealing with my anxiety last year in the hardest semester of my life, went to the doctor, and found that I had lost 8 pounds in the course of 7 weeks. The fact that I was worried about that and proud of it at the same time.

How naive I was to think this wasn't a problem for me. No, it's not on my mind every day. Far from it. But when it is an issue, it's a BIG one.

I have always been so against fat-shaming. Mostly just because I feel like there are far worse things in life than being overweight or "chubby" by anyone's standards. I fear someone thinking I'm unintelligent far more than I fear comments on my weight.  This quote by J.K. Rowling echoes my thoughts completely.

Today I was ashamed of my hypocrisy. And this has been by far the most eye-opening day of the challenge. But you know what? I'm glad I realized these things. I'm glad I stopped repressing them and pretending they don't exist as a problem for me. Because they do. And realizing them sort of freed me to confront them. I haven't beaten my demons with my weight, but I've started the battle.

I also want to share a slam poem with you that my wonderful friend Kirsten wrote in high school. I texted her today and asked her if I could borrow it for this post, and she complied. I'm so excited to share this with you all, because it deeply moved me in high school, and it still does as I read it now. Thank you, Kirsten!

I am Beautiful, Dammit

I am beautiful dammit.

I’ve got boobs and a butt and a little extra on the side,

But if I put on a dress with a belt, my waist looks fine

And if I decide to put on some high-heeled boots, my legs will be looking fabulous too.

Because I am beautiful, dammit.

Now this might not be your definition of beauty

But it’s mine and it’s real,

So don’t hate on those of us who have curves to accentuate

Because we are who we are,

Wholly, totally and completely

Flawlessly and amazingly beautiful, dammit.

I like to see a girl who has the confidence to look at herself in the mirror every morning and say,

“Damn, I’m fierce!”

I like to see a girl with beauty from within with which she will write her own story

And it is a story of love, loss, success

And who will laugh without fear of the future

Because she is beautiful, dammit.

I might not be a hand, hair, eye, swimsuit model,

But I am a ROLE model because I can look at you and say

Exactly how much I weigh (138 pounds to be exact)

And then I can say to you after the fact

That if you can’t see past my fat,

Then you don’t see me at all.

Because I am beautiful, dammit.

Tomorrow: Making peace with exercise.